A South Carolina woman gouged her eyes out, all because she thought she was getting closer to God by taking meth, and now she’s telling her story to Cosmopolitan magazine. Kaylee Muthart, 20, said she was originally leading a good life and was going well in school, but as she started drinking and smoking marijuana, she transitioned to harder drugs like meth and ecstasy regularly.

One time last summer, she smoked marijuana that may have been laced with cocaine or meth, prompting her to abandon both school and her job because she thought her friend had done it. As her relationship with her boyfriend fell apart as well, she turned to drugs, Muthart told the magazine.

While Muthart was able to get a new job, she still could not get over how that laced marijuana felt to her, and started trying meth last August. She lost the job she had just gotten because she was was too embarrassed, she told the magazine, as she had been picking at her face during a meth trip.

And then, she started reading the Bible. Muthart convinced herself that meth would get her closer to God. Things got so bad that her mother tried to intervene and get the courts to force her into a rehab center last fall.

And then came that fateful day: Feb. 6, 2018. She bought meth from her usual dealer, and then injected a larger dose than usual.

“So I pushed my thumb, pointer, and middle finger into each eye. I gripped each eyeball, twisted, and pulled until each eye popped out of the socket — it felt like a massive struggle, the hardest thing I ever had to do,” she said. “Because I could no longer see, I don’t know if there was blood. But I know the drugs numbed the pain. I’m pretty sure I would have tried to claw right into my brain if a pastor hadn’t heard me screaming, ‘I want to see the light!’ — which I don’t recall saying — and restrained me.”

People across the street were terrified as they looked on.

Muthart says she has been clean since then. She is attempting to raise money through GoFundMe for a seeing-eye dog.